TM

nzfunnigirl @ 2009-12-22T00:22:00

2009-12-21T11:17:46Z

It's been a big year - my first full year in the business, buying another business, got engaged, Dad's unwell, three overseas trips, working with Pamela Stephenson in Samoa. Things right now are stressy. Stressy enough that Mark and I had our first public argument on Sunday - over hash browns at a bar in Newmarket.

The TV channel is what's making me really stressy. It's all good - very good - but stressy. Last Wednesday I was in tears to Mark saying that my life is comedy and my meaning in life was to make people laugh. That is the reason I am on this earth and I lost it because I was trying to make a future for us by building a business. As such, my comedy has reduced and there was no chance of me getting it back as I am getting too old (yes, there is a bit of a time limit in this industry for of you who want to say 'age is no barrier'). I told him that I saw my future closing in front of my eyes and that there was no longer any reason for me being here. I was feeling very suicidal and like I no longer had a place on earth. It was very emotional for both of us. I eventually cried myself to sleep believing there was no future for me and that I would have to go soon. The next day at lunch time the TV channel dropped in my lap.

I'm not a big believer in "fate" but this seemed like it was meant to be. I guess it shows you always have to hold on, because you never know what's around the corner.

nzfunnigirl @ 2009-11-29T19:00:00

2009-11-29T05:56:19Z

Mark and I got engaged last Saturday for those of you who haven't heard through the grape vine.

I called my dad to ask if he'd give me away. He skirted around it and basically said no. I asked him to think about it. I was in between a wedding ceremony and reception at the time and it never occurred to me that he might say no. I burst into tears and couldn't stop crying. Mum had a word with him and says it was because he didn't want to tread on the toes of my biological father. Now I just feel like I have never had a dad at all.

But put it this way, my biological father doesn't even know yet that I am engaged, whereas I told dad the same day. Mark had always joked about asking dad for my hand. The biological sperm donor was never in there. I've only known him the last few years, and that is only enough to tolerate him. Sure, it'd be nice to know him but he certainly doesn't deserve to give me away. He disowned that right when he disowned me at age 13. Sure I feel torn that he will never get to give a "daughter" away, as mum gave my sister away. And maybe I'll get them both to. But the "maybe" in there belongs to the biological, the "definite" belongs to the man who raised me from age 12, taught me to fish, bought me my first car, loaned me money for a bad spiral perm, reached his hand in the doorway and turned the light on whenever I had a party with boys and girls, and gave me roses on Valentine's day.

I'm joining in this meme too!

2009-11-21T21:08:13Z

Reply to this post and I'll tell you three things I love about you. Maybe more than three. Then repost to your own journal and spread the love.

nzfunnigirl @ 2009-11-10T22:28:00

2009-11-10T09:27:34Z

I'm feeling kinda pissy. I have someone who's been helping me out lately in my life. She happens to be a well known celebrity. The women's mags are giving her a really hard time. It makes me pissy because it makes me and the others she spends time with out to be a pretty rugged lot, and because she is a really sweet human being and it quite simply isn't fair for her to be given a hard time. I've had other friends be given a hard time by women's mags but this is different because it is really going to affect both her personal and professional life. And that's not nice. Because she is someone who, despite her busy schedule, takes time out to spend with me to pretty much counsel me when I need it. The media can be a bastardly lot.

Off to Samoa tomorrow. I still haven't packed.

Samoa, in-laws and sobriety.

2009-11-06T11:04:50Z

I am going to Samoa on Wednesday! Woohoo! They are doing a relief concert over there and I am to train their presenters (Miss Samoa and a samoan guy). I'm paying tickets, but they are providing accommodation and food, etc. I am SOOO looking forward to it. For several reasons. One is that, wow - what an amazing opportunity to actually help out. Two is that I have never been to a pacific island before, three is that any breaks from work help me focus more when I am there, four is that my best friend Z is there and we haven't spent much time together since M and I have been together and I've been working and suffering from depression, and five is that some time apart from M is just what the doctor ordered for falling in love all over again. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all...

I spent some time with jexia's mother-in-law today. She is such a fascinating woman. Going through a hard time lately, and facing a lot of uncertainty in her immediate future, but an amazing woman. I am so glad I got to spend time with her. She's heading out of town tomorrow, but will be back at Christmas so am looking forward to speaking with her more.

I did 8 days sober! Then I drank tonight. Not ridiculously, but when your aim is abstinence anything is bad :-( I got hugs at my AA meeting yesterday as it was my best since coming along. The weird thing was, I didn't feel like drinking tonight, I just did because I didn't know what else to do. I learnt an interesting thing though. I've always been a lover of the drinking, but it was only a couple of years ago that it got really out of control. I was researching yesterday and realised that when I was on tricyclics for depression and drank, it actually physically changed the chemistry in my brain to react to alcohol the way it does. So it isn't that I'm a lesser person, but that something actually physically changed. Interesting to know.

Meme from aj_dot_com

2009-10-20T06:51:00Z

Don't usually do these, but I'm alone and bored.

ME:
1. Name: TM
2. Date of birth: 8 November '76
3. Where you live: St Heliers
4. What makes you happy: Not a lot. I'm a miserable sort. Still trying to work it out.
5. Currently listening/the last thing you listened to: Pacifier by Shihad
6. Do you read my journal?: Yup.
7. If yes, what makes it especially good or bad?: The D 'n' D stuff goes over my head (sorry if I made a faux pas in some way) but the rest makes me laugh, and often has something insightful that I can actually think about rather than whinging like most of us do (I am the main culprit here).
8. An interesting fact about you: I play jazz sax and like to do animation.
9. What do you love at the moment?: I'm pretty much FTW at the mo, so nothing. I can't see any good in anything right now.
10. Favourite place to spend time: My happy place is my beach where I grew up, alone, at sunset.
11. Favourite lyric: Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements? Even if it leads nowhere? Or would it be a waste even it I knew my place, should I leave it there?
12. The best time of the year: Sunny spring. Before it gets too hot, but when it is crisp and the world is fresh and new.

RECOMMEND:
1. A film: Bucket List. Make one. Then actually do it.
2. A book: My faves from my childhood: Bridge to Terebithia, the Maurice Gee trilogy and Cowslip (I swear I was a black slave in a past life). but right now I recommend anyone with depression to read "I had a black dog" and anyone living with someone with depression to read "Living with a black dog".
3. A band, a song, or album: The Fray
4. An anime: That one with the demon with 9 penises. (Ok, it's not my fave, but it's the only one I know).

PLUS:
1. One thing you like about me: Only met you once, but you're hot (sorry H!)
2. Two things you like about yourself: My sense of humor, and my creativity (left these from AJ's one!)
3. Look at my friends-list and tell what you like about one of our mutual friends: Jexia is the best human being I know.
4. Put this in your journal so that I can tell you what I like about you.

Done!

nzfunnigirl @ 2009-10-15T17:17:00

2009-10-15T04:10:58Z

Cat out of the bag - Mark and I are moving to the States in July.

nzfunnigirl @ 2009-10-09T09:04:00

2009-10-08T19:59:25Z

Four days now without phone/eftpos/fax or security.

I am so angry I can hardly talk. Despite a divert a large amount of our clients still can't reach us. We have lost thousands this week.

nzfunnigirl @ 2009-10-07T20:29:00

2009-10-07T07:30:06Z

Phone is still out. The franchise manager wants me to call her when the phone is back on for a "long talk". I'm guessing that's bad. She wouldn't even tell me what it's about. I'm guessing it's because she wants to talk about why I can't pay my royalties. I have been working the amount I owe down, so as long as it is heading in the right direction she should be happy.

The council is crippling me. No phone=no bookings, no eftpos=no money in my bank account.

The stress has meant my mood swings wildly. I cry or get angry over every little thing. The guy who owns the bar downstairs... his wife left him last night because of the stress from the council works. I was able to sympathise because of what I am putting M through.

Any suggestions?

2009-10-06T09:55:10Z

The council is bankrupting me. I thought it couldn't get any worse but it has. A lot worse. Our clients are now wading through huge puddles of mud to get to us. Our phone, eftpos, fax and security have been out for two days now. Clients can't book in, the few clients that are able to get in are unable to pay. The bar downstairs arrived at work to find out they are shut out for two days. I'm guessing we're next, but no one can tell me when. So we'll turn up, not be able to get in, and have no phone to fucking call our clients and tell them.

We've tried diverting the phones but half the calls still aren't getting through. We've tried the old zip-zaps for eftpos and credit cards, but 1) they don't clear for three days, and 2) the girls keep screwing them up so our clients are leaving without paying.

I don't even know how I am going to pay the girls this week because there is no money in the account, and it will be three days till the few eftpos and credit card zip-zaps we have clear.

Outside is a disaster. I can't even begin to describe it. It makes Iraq look like a leisure holiday.

I have written to Fair Go, but I don't know if that will help. And it won't make any difference to me getting my bills paid. I have worked so hard to build this place up from the destruction the council originally made it, and now they are doing it all over again.

Does anyone have any suggestions? And before you suggest it, the council refuse compensation. And they have crippled us so severely that even if we combine our funds we still can't afford legal representation.

nzfunnigirl @ 2009-09-04T23:16:00

2009-09-04T11:11:28Z

Jexia, if you're not going to have these babies in the next two days, you better damn well hold them in till we're back!!!

nzfunnigirl @ 2009-09-03T22:03:00

2009-09-03T10:26:13Z

I emailed my family the other day (well, the important ones), and told them I was an alcoholic.

I started going to AA a week ago. I've been to 4 meetings in a week. Because I'm new, at the end of a meeting about a hundred people swarm around me giving me their numbers and telling me to call. For the first couple of meetings I was thinking "what the hell is with these people?" I'm slowly starting to realise they actually do genuinely want to help.

I've realised in the last week that I'm a natural alcoholic. But also that I'm lucky. My genes mean that I am prone to alcoholism, but I've been lucky in that I've recognised it relatively early on. It doesn't mean it's easy. It damn well isn't. But it means I've realised it earlier than the average alcoholic. Before I've lost my relationship, my family, my business, my home, my sense of self.

Being an alcoholic isn't about "oh dear I drink too much". There is so much more. I've been reading the AA book (they call it the "Big Book") and I can't believe how well they have nailed me. From the constant planning on controlled drinking, to the moments of insanity where I say to myself "I've gone three weeks without a drink EASILY, I can't be alcoholic".

There are 12 steps, and 12 traditions, and a bunch of jargon I don't understand. It's going to take some time before I will understand it all. All I know is that it takes a lot of belief in a "higher power". You can make up what your own "higher power" is, but I am having trouble with that. I have a background in psychology and astrophysics, so I'm on a back foot from the start! I have been watching the documentaries "What the bleep do we know" and "Down the rabbit hole", because they relate quantum mechanics to spirituality, so I can start to relate to spirituality a little, because I know Quantum Mechanics (as well as anyone can!) It's going to be a long trek, and although I'm drinking less, I'm still drinking. Fortunately the groups of AA I'm going to don't care, they just say "keep coming back".

So even though I have my ups and downs about whether or not I need them, I will. I will keep going back until it makes sense.

The message I sent to my family the other night was from my heart. And I ask it of you. Please don't judge me, please encourage me, please support me. You don't need to do a lot, except withhold judgement. Because I am trying.

nzfunnigirl @ 2009-08-26T22:19:00

2009-08-26T10:19:23Z

I hired another nurse today. In fact I do believe he is the first male cosmetic nurse in the country! Yay! I am a pro-rights something-or-other....! Kind of had to, he was the best applicant by far. Not just the best of this bunch but the best in general! He was 10 out of 10 in almost every category! It would have been stupid to not give my clients the benefit of the doubt to not be judgemental.

It is scary. Although it is only going back to the same amount of staff that I begun with (minus a receptionist) it is still more than I have mostly had. And more nurses than any other Caci in the country. SCARY!!!

nzfunnigirl @ 2009-08-17T22:30:00

2009-08-17T10:34:32Z

You touch these tired eyes of mine
And map my face out line by line
And somehow growing old feels fine
I listen close for I'm not smart
You wrap your thoughts in works of art
And they're hanging on the walls of my heart

I may not have the softest touch
I may not say the words as such
And though I may not look like much
I'm yours
And though my edges may be rough
And never feel I'm quite enough
It may not seem like very much
But I'm yours

You healed these scars over time
Embraced my soul
You loved my mind
You're the only angel in my life
The day came that I felt I died
My knees went weak and you saw me cry
Say I'm still the soldier in your eyes

I may not have the softest touch
I may not say the words as such
And though I may not look like much
I'm yours
And though my edges may be rough
And never feel I'm quite enough
It may not seem like very much
But I'm yours

I may not have the softest touch
I may not say the words as such
I know I don't fit in that much
But I'm yours

nzfunnigirl @ 2009-08-09T18:18:00

2009-08-09T06:19:03Z

Life is starting to be ok. I could still drink a little less, but I'm not as bad now, and I could lose weight. But in general life is much happier. A side effect of my meds is loss of libido, but because depression causes loss of libido mine is actually higher than it was before.

Business is exciting, and I'm more in love with my boy than ever. All my past doubts of my relationship are out of my mind, and now that I have a clearer head I see it was the depression effecting everything. I'm glad I paid $40000 in student loans to get a psych degree, as it enables me to see when I am going through a depression. Though not necessarily worth it in itself, it has been well worth it in helping me spot and stop my depression before it effected my business or my relationship to an unrecoverable degree.

M and I are going to Surfer's in four weeks and counting. To swim, sleep and go to amusement parks. My sister better not give birth while I am away!!! But I am excited about our first holiday together. Normally by this stage of a relationship I have been meaning to get out for 6 months. This time, I really am more in love with him than I have ever been. Our break away is just what we need. And deserve!!

nzfunnigirl @ 2009-08-05T20:26:00

2009-08-05T08:23:15Z

My cellphone crapped out a week and a half ago. All my contact numbers were on there, so if you have my number can you please text me saying who you are and I will add you to my new iPhone 3GS!!!

nzfunnigirl @ 2009-08-03T19:42:00

2009-08-03T07:53:46Z

Life is going a bit better these days. Things with my darling are a lot better and I feel "in love" again. We have our first romantic holiday planned. A week in Surfers in September. I said to mum when we went over at Easter that I wanted to go with Mark there. Didn't realise it would be so soon. But it is the day after he closes the store so he'll need it, and the three weeks before we get insanely crazy busy for three months so I'll need it.

Business last month was great! Better than the clinic has seen in 3 years, and even though it was meant to be the slowest month it beat out November and December by about 25% - our busiest months!! I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but.... perhaps a sign of changing times.....? So if this month goes well I'll take it as a good sign and put my everything into the rest of the year. Not my usual "everything", but EVERYTHING. Which is another reason I will need this break beforehand, and then Christmas afterwards will be well deserved also!

nzfunnigirl @ 2009-07-14T08:28:00

2009-07-13T20:25:47Z

I got all the way home without crying last night for the first night in weeks. It's a start.

nzfunnigirl @ 2009-07-03T21:35:00

2009-07-03T09:33:11Z

Thank you to jexia for the enormous bunch of flowers that turned up at work this morning. It was so good to know people are thinking of me
xxx

nzfunnigirl @ 2009-07-01T21:40:00

2009-07-01T09:46:51Z

I went to the doctor today. My depression level via the depression module is 23/25. She says normally she would start off the meds slowly, but due to the degree of depression she wants me on a high level in the next few days as opposed to weeks. It was nice to have someone know exactly how I was feeling.

She said to tell my family and friends this: "I am in a very bad way right now, but I am not going to kill myself. It will take a few months but you will have the old me back". Her words. Consider yourselves told.

Hello depression my old friend

2009-06-30T20:10:04Z

I have been in a dark hole for a while. I don't see anyone, I cry all the time. Tears that fall hard and won't stop for literally hours. And these days even around Mark. I'll go to the doctors today.

nzfunnigirl @ 2009-06-17T18:18:00

2009-06-17T06:18:50Z

Bluuurch. Been sick for about a month. Feeling good two days ago then headache again yesterday that just wouldn't go away!

Better today though. Let's hope it's a sign of things to come. After a month of being sick my paperwork is piled a metre high on my desk so I need to get well for long enough to get on top of it. The girls laugh at me. I laughed back though when today I actually saw part of my desk through the slowly diminishing mess. I know it's under there somewhere!

nzfunnigirl @ 2009-06-12T23:45:00

2009-06-12T11:44:38Z

Visit to the doctor today. Apparently now I have reactive hypoglycemia. It's always a different diagnosis, but it every one boils down to I have to eat better, drink less caffeine and alcohol, and drink more water.

nzfunnigirl @ 2009-05-28T20:26:00

2009-05-28T08:26:16Z

I just spent 14hrs covered in baby oil and dirt, and wearing a thin wet sheet. In the middle of winter.

I am tired. And sick. My throat was sore yesterday and killing me by 5:30am when I got up this morning. I'm sure the cold and wet and screaming for 14hrs straight hasn't helped. I can't talk or swallow. Ouch.

nzfunnigirl @ 2009-05-26T21:39:00

2009-05-26T09:40:51Z

I got offered a small part in the TV series "Spartacus". Which is weird coz I didn't audition for it. The casting director specifically emailed my agent asking for me. I thought it was a dumb-ass extra type part and wouldn't have done it if it wasn't for my agent (it's a bad look to say no). But it turns out to be not so bad. Small, but with the potential for the character to come back later. I film on Thursday.

Strange though.